I first started reading In the Name of Jesus : Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri J.M. Nouwen in my men’s group at church. We didn’t finish it in the group, but I really enjoyed it and since it was pretty easy to read, I finished it on my own. When I first picked up the book, I didn’t understand why the author chose the title “In the Name of Jesus”, but now having finished it, I think what he was trying to get at was to question and consider what things do we do in Jesus’ name and whether these things that we have done have real or everlasting meaning in our lives and in those around us and especially in God’s sight.

The way that I normally markup books (not that I leave any permanent marks as those that know me can attest), is to just put an asterisk (in pencil, of course) next to paragraphs which I felt make a good point or speak to me personally. In writing this book report, I started by typing out all the paragraphs which I had marked, but then I realized that there are just too many, especialy if I am to reflect and process them in any meaningful way. So I think the best way is to just choose a few of the excerpts that are representative of what I learned from this book and to express my thoughts on each of those. So here goes.

I began to ask myself whether my lack of contemplative prayer, my loneliness, and my constantly changing involvement in what seemed most urgent were signs that the Spirit was gradually being suppressed….I woke up one day with the realization that I was living in a very dark place and that the term ‘burnout’ was a convenient psychological translation for a spiritual death. p.20

The book starts off with a chapter titled From Relevance to Prayer, and I really identified with this particular quote because for quite some time now, I haven’t really pursued contemplative prayer. I think I tried to be real and honest with my prayers, but they tended to be very pragmatic and to the point, without opening up a space in which I could hear God speak to me. And because of this, without even realizing what was happening, I found myself settling into a very dry personal experience with God.

Confession and forgiveness are the concrete forms in which we sinful people love one another. p.64

I am convinced that priests and ministers, especially those who relate to many anguishing people, need a truly safe place for themselves. They need a place where they can share their deep pain and struggles with people who do not need them, but who can guide them ever deeper into the mystery of God’s love. p.69

I mentioned earlier in this post that I am in a men’s group, and this has totally been a blessing to me because it has truly been a safe place where I am able to learn to share, confess and ask for forgiveness. The key for me is that it is a safe place to learn how to do these things, because in no way can I claim to be very good at any of these.

Living in a community with very wounded people, I came to see that I had lived most of my life as a tightrope artist trying to walk on a high, thin cable from one tower to the other, always waiting for the applause when I had not fallen off and broken my leg. p.53

Laying down your life means making your own faith and doubt, hope and despair, joy and sadness, courage and fear available to others as ways of getting in touch with the Lord of life. p.61

I didn’t think that I lived my life for applause, but I think that what rings true in the first quote is that I do try to live my life without making any mistakes (the question is in who’s eyes). And that in itself is my struggle, to live a life that is true to who I am, mistakes, failures and all. Sometimes, I find that I am not honest to myself in my own struggles, and if I am not honest to myself, how can I be honest to my community.

What makes the temptation of power so seemingly irresistible? Maybe it is that power offers an easy substitute for the hard task of love. It seems easier to be God than to love God, easier to control people than to love people, easier to own life than to love life….we have been tempted to replace love with power. p.77

Oh man, this quote is so true, no matter how ugly it makes me feel. I am totally guilty of replacing love with power (i.e. control). I think part of my self-deception is to think that by trying to control someone or some situation, I am showing my love and care by doing the best for them through what I think is the best way (and in my mind, the most ‘effective’ way). I need to learn to love through the act of love itself and not through a facade of control.

But when we are securely rooted in personal intimacy with the source of life, it will be possible to remain flexible without being relativistic, convinced without being rigid….For Christian leadership to be truly fruitful in the future, a movement from the moral to the mystical is required. p.47

Hmm, is the term ‘mystical’ here similar to my earlier discussion of C.S. Lewis’ own reference to ‘myths’? The focus and the source all comes from an intimate relationship with Christ, and from there, both the known and the unknown are to be sought out as valuable and wondrous.

In reading this book, it has reinforced the lesson that God has been teaching me that I need to not only acknowledge that I don’t know everything, but that I need to rest in that knowledge that while I may not know or understand as much as I think I do, at least I have a relationship with Someone who does know everything and is more than happy to spend eternity showing me more and more, so long as I remain in Him and I quiet myself to the point where I can contemplatively hear what He is telling me.